keep calm and carry on

There's yet another trendy item sweeping the internet, hipster culture, and cute gift shops across the land... the "keep calm and carry on" posters. I have to admit, when the trend first started I fell in love with it! It's a little overdone now, but how else can you sum up many emotions and stresses into one idea that is glaringly simple and to the point, yet still makes you smile?

So, these are a few of my favorite "remakes" of the original design - one that apparently was used during WWII to help boost the morale of British soldiers. It is now inflicting a bit of cheeriness to overworked and underpaid professionals everywhere - oh, I meant graduate students - same difference. ;-)

And now I must go back to my favorite poster of them all: KEEP CALM AND PRACTICE SCALES!

taking risks

I've been thinking a lot since my last lesson about taking risks... more specifically, my lack of comfort (or perhaps willingness) in allowing myself to take risks. This thought initially came from my inability to risk playing really loud... but the more I think about it, the more I find that I'm not exactly one to take risks in most everything. And I never have been.

So the big question is: why?!

And I haven't figured that out yet. I have some suspicions... some I'm more willing to explore than others. (Which probably means the ones I want to ignore are the very root of the problem. Ugh. I hate knowing what I need to uncover and being afraid to really go there. Fear! It's all about fear!!). So, here are some of my thoughts as to what stands between me, my comfort zone and taking risks...

- fear of the results of judgement (not just judgement by itself. I "judge" myself and my actions all the time and I've learned to not attach labels to that, but to question whether or not I accomplished my goals, and in the cases in which I don't, what do I need to change to be more successful next time. What I really fear is that what I think is acceptable really isn't acceptable to other people; that I have a skewed sense of reality. Maybe that's really a trust thing? I need to trust myself more? Yikes. This could get scary fast. I'll stop there.)

- taking a risk and getting a result that I don't understand. (This is where the true nerd in me comes out. I do not like not understanding something, and I will do whatever it takes to figure out anything I don't understand, or at least find an explanation that I can be content with. I've never been very good at just relying on feeling or intuition - or trust, I suppose - without understanding. Maybe I draw a lot of my confidence from knowledge and understanding. I am comfortable with something when I know it is right or that it works.)

- why should I bother taking risks when I can't get the non-risk taking part right? (So this can be read on many different levels, and I'm still sorting through them. More on this as I come to terms with it.)

Right now, it seems that this basically boils down to three things: fear, confidence, and trust. Independent evils that are inextricably connected. There is much work to be done.

BUT, on a completely unrelated and good note, today was a good day of teaching. There is something about letting go of my own hang-ups in order to help my students deal with theirs that fulfills my spirit and renews my energy. And for this, I am grateful.

new semester, new challenges

Long time, no post! (I know, I know... no excuses. Sorry!)

This semester has already turned into one of those semesters in which I feel perpetually behind. I worked all of Christmas break - even while visiting my in-laws in Oregon! - spending at least 3 hours everyday doing something dissertation or clarinet related. And when school finally started, instead of feeling ahead, or even on track, I felt hopelessly behind. And still do. This isn't what life is supposed to be like. I miss the days of successfully balancing work and play, so that I actually enjoy both! Right now I am not enjoying work because it feels like that is all I do and I'm not enjoying play because when I do stop and for some "me time" I feel like I can't afford to not work! This too shall pass.

Things are not all bad, however. In my teaching I've noticed a new level of confidence - I'm not afraid to honestly say, "play that again while I think about exactly what I want to say" in a situation where I want to choose my words carefully and wisely. It's no longer a question of, "do I know what to do here," but a matter of, "what's the best way to approach this problem for this particular student." And I've noticed my students responding better to my comments and suggestions when I do take the time to really craft what I say for them as an individual. I wonder if they have noticed a difference also.

I'm also experiencing another first as a teacher. A student of mine from last semester (let's call them, Student J) has moved on to another studio, a different large ensemble, a place where most other students his level in study have been for awhile. So in my own curiosity, I revisited his blog (thankfully he's keeping the same one as for me last semester!) and was a little befuddled by what I found. Student J's most recent post recounts the things in his playing that he is happy with, changes he has made, and how he's enjoying playing so much more. But the things he described are things I told him and worked with him on repeatedly - verbatim! - during our semester together. Dr. Burns warned us about those times when you have students play for a masterclass, and the "master" tells them the exact things you've been saying all along, and suddenly they click. Like magic. And that it isn't necessarily a negative on your teaching, it's just what the student needed for everything to sink in or finally make sense. Perhaps that is what is happening here. In a way I feel validated in the work I did with Student J, since apparently I was saying the right things. On the other hand though, I wonder what I could have done differently so that he understood, and better yet implemented, these things months ago! Oh, the catch-22's of teaching. I don't suppose they'll ever end? :-)

Ok. Enough typing with my kitty in my lap vying for my attention. Must pat the cat for a minute, then finish the section of my document I left hanging last night. Then off to Salisbury for rehearsal - during the Super Bowl! It's ok. I hate the Patriots. I love music. There's always a silver lining. Ciao ciao!!