taking risks

I've been thinking a lot since my last lesson about taking risks... more specifically, my lack of comfort (or perhaps willingness) in allowing myself to take risks. This thought initially came from my inability to risk playing really loud... but the more I think about it, the more I find that I'm not exactly one to take risks in most everything. And I never have been.

So the big question is: why?!

And I haven't figured that out yet. I have some suspicions... some I'm more willing to explore than others. (Which probably means the ones I want to ignore are the very root of the problem. Ugh. I hate knowing what I need to uncover and being afraid to really go there. Fear! It's all about fear!!). So, here are some of my thoughts as to what stands between me, my comfort zone and taking risks...

- fear of the results of judgement (not just judgement by itself. I "judge" myself and my actions all the time and I've learned to not attach labels to that, but to question whether or not I accomplished my goals, and in the cases in which I don't, what do I need to change to be more successful next time. What I really fear is that what I think is acceptable really isn't acceptable to other people; that I have a skewed sense of reality. Maybe that's really a trust thing? I need to trust myself more? Yikes. This could get scary fast. I'll stop there.)

- taking a risk and getting a result that I don't understand. (This is where the true nerd in me comes out. I do not like not understanding something, and I will do whatever it takes to figure out anything I don't understand, or at least find an explanation that I can be content with. I've never been very good at just relying on feeling or intuition - or trust, I suppose - without understanding. Maybe I draw a lot of my confidence from knowledge and understanding. I am comfortable with something when I know it is right or that it works.)

- why should I bother taking risks when I can't get the non-risk taking part right? (So this can be read on many different levels, and I'm still sorting through them. More on this as I come to terms with it.)

Right now, it seems that this basically boils down to three things: fear, confidence, and trust. Independent evils that are inextricably connected. There is much work to be done.

BUT, on a completely unrelated and good note, today was a good day of teaching. There is something about letting go of my own hang-ups in order to help my students deal with theirs that fulfills my spirit and renews my energy. And for this, I am grateful.